Things men should never tell a woman

Long before I married, I was out on a date with a young lady who possessed the innocence of one of those cloistered Catholic school girls (Yeah, right!). She was short of stature with an angelic face and equally ample caboose. We had been seeing each other for quite some time, but up to that point we had shared no carnal knowledge. As a matter of fact, she had never been engaged in any kind of sexual activity beyond the normal coital stimulation which women often perform upon themselves as they venture into self-discovery. The only time that an attempt was made happened to be on a snowy Christmas night when my parents were out of the house. She became quite excited as we thrusts our pelvic bones together and I was just about to give her the seasonal Yule Tide log when my mother walked in. This is just a brief history of our relationship which has absolutely nothing to do with what I am about to tell you; I just thought it might amuse my readers.

Anyway, one evening as we were manducating our victuals at a local eatery, my sweet and bashful convent girl asked me if I thought she looked fat. Initially I said that she was just right; a vision of loveliness. If she had accepted that response, I dare say that our relationship would have flowered into more mature and long-lasting adventures. However, she continued her furious interrogation, insisting that she was fat and that I should not be afraid of giving her my unbiased opinion of her figure.

“Well”, I said “you probably could stand to lose a few pounds.” From that moment and all the way to her front door, she obliged me to subject myself to a tirade of the most horrible insults and expletives known to man.

So, I said all that to say this, guys. Never, under any circumstances or duress should you ever voice your opinion concerning a woman’s weight or how she looks in a dress. If you do, you will be seeing a side of your woman that you thought never existed; not to mention the possibility of physical assault. I’ve seen both, and it’s not a pretty sight.

- Daddio