To date or not to date: a simple point guide to choosing your mate

I have never been a big fan of dating, on or off-line. On-line dating is particularly stressful. It’s that initial pressure of trying to decide whether you want to date this person or that person (and when you have to decide between the guy whose only posted pictures of himself where his ex-girlfriend has been cropped out or the guy who still lives with his mother, it’s kind of a toss-up). It’s going out on a ‘blind’ date, and realizing that you are in for a few hours of pure boredom or worse, disaster…

This blog was started in part because of dates like that. Soon after I signed up for my two-month trial of internet dating, I quickly realized that most of the guys on there are either ugly or boring (or both), and that the gems are far and few between. I read through profile after profile (with tag names like “2hot2trot” or “BelieveTheHypeSF75” or "DontchaWishYourBFwuzHOTlikeME”)… they all started the same way “Hmmm…where to start…I’m an easy going guy…” Most of them said the same thing about “loving fine dining, family, and the outdoors.” Some of them even went so far as to say they were “a good blend of east and west coast, now in love with SF,” blah blah blah…

I’d initially signed up for this on-line service to entertain myself after my back surgery, but after about a week, the thought of gouging both my eyes out and then referring myself to an ophthalmologist for another surgery seemed more appealing than looking at another one of those profiles. Or maybe I’d just become a nun…well, a Jewish nun (do they even exist?)…ok, maybe an open-minded nun (you know, the kind who still date and have sex)…

Half-distracted by the thought of having sex in a nun’s habit, I did one last run-through of a few more profiles before calling it a night on-line. That’s when I stumbled upon Mr. Points… a pretty good looking fella, with no skanky photo cropping and the following hook for an opening line:

“This dating thing is really simple if you break it down.”

WOW! I thought to myself, what has this guy figured out about dating that I hadn’t? Maybe I could learn something from him! I trembled with anticipation as I opened the rest of his profile...

"I firmly believe it's possible to objectively quantify who's "right" for me. This may save us alot of time and awkward banter in a small coffee shop staring at a stale scone discussing where we grew up. So, start with 0 pts, if you are... Objectively good looking, add 15 pts. Subjectively good looking based on your personality, add 6 pts. Of the belief that you are good looking based only on your parents' comments, subtract 10 pts. Objectively funny, add 15 pts.”

OK, + 30 points later, I was not only doing great on his little clever test, but I was laughing so hard that I thought I was going to pop my surgical wound open. So I braced myself and continued reading...

"Mention in your profile that you are as comfortable in heels as in running shoes (or some variant of that), subtract 5 pts. Holding a bachelor's degree, add 6 pts. Holding a master's degree, add 10 pts. Are a doctor, add 18 pts. Are an attorney, subtract 5 pts. Able to go to a party where you know nobody and have more fun than if you did, add 4 points. Participate in athletics, add 9 points. Of the belief that sushi transcends the realm of food, add 3 pts. Able to find the humor in (or make humorous) the pedestrian situations, add 10 points.”

OOOH, + 80 points for me already. I was SO on my way to having a sushi dinner with this guy...

"Prone to complaining about most situations, subtract 15 pts.”

Oops, I guess do complain a bit. But not a ton. Just a little. Well, maybe a medium amount. So I made an administrative decision and subtracted 7.5 points…

”A person who has ever cheated on a boyfriend/fiancee, subtract 20 pts per individual. A person who has been cheated on and taken him back, subtract 5 pts for the first incident, subtract 20 pts for the second incident, and subtract 50 pts for each additional incident. A person who fills up her gas tank more often than shaves her legs, subtract 5 pts. If you have smoked *even once* in the past 5 years, take the cube root of your score. If you don't know what a cube root is or cannot estimate it to 1 decimal place, subtract another 15 pts. If you prefer the red states to the blue, subtract 3 points. If you think this refers to the Civil War, subtract 15 pts.”

Well, maybe I kissed a boy while dating somebody when I was 20 and smoked a few cigarettes about 2 years ago, but that doesn’t really count, does it?

”If you scored a 68, I will marry you tonight (or tomorrow night if you’re reading this on a Friday. And if you’re not sure why that is, go ahead and subtract another 10 points). 60-67: let’s go ahead and cancel our on-line memberships and make plans. 50-59: let’s write a few emails and see. Less than 49: it’s probably not meant to be with me. It’s not you, it’s me…”

YES, my score was 72.5 and the only reason I didn’t go to buy myself a wedding dress was because my surgical wound was on the verge of bursting open and I didn’t want to risk having another surgery. That’s the first time in my life I scored 106% on a test. I gave myself an A+ (of course) and emailed Mr. Points immediately. My dislike of dating suddenly seemed insignificant in comparison to the prospect of having good sushi while laughing my ass (or should I say, my surgical wound) off. Plus, I was an “A” student already and I hadn’t even started the "semester"…

After a few dates and a lot of side splitting (not wound splitting) laughs, Mr. Points did not seem to be that into me. I guess he wasn’t as enchanted with me and my performance on his little test as I was. Turns out I was too ‘high maintenance’ for him, a criteria he failed to include but if he had, it might have sounded like this:

“Once we meet, I’ll be the judge of your maintenance index. If you are low maintenance index, add 15 points. If you are medium maintenance index, subtract 10 points. If you are high maintenance index, subtract enough points so that your total number is less than 49… If you don’t know your maintenance index or what ‘index’ is, your self-awareness needs some improvement. Write back after you’ve had a few years of therapy.”

So, on our last ‘date’ he mumbled something to the extent of wanting to be friends and then politely put in me in a taxi.

I suppose what it all comes down to is that what he really wanted to say at the conclusion of our last date was: “It’s not me, its YOU!”

Wait, I thought I was supposed to be the one to say that?!! But oh well… at least I got a few points left. They do roll over, right??

-- Innigma

(Special thanks to Mr. Points who graciously agreed to let me use his on-line profile for the contents of this story. He, of course, immediately suggested that such a gesture was worth + 20 points. Who is being high maintenance now?! )