With all due respect to your Daddy....

I had been flirting online with this attractive looking woman, The Fisherwoman, for a week when I asked her to have a drink with me in midtown Manhattan. We had agreed to meet at 6:30 pm. An hour before the meeting time, she called me and asked me to meet instead at her upper east side place since she had been working at home all day. I was a bit startled, since one usually doesn't receive this invite before ever meeting, but agreed. Perhaps I'd get lucky on the first date?

Her place was up in the 70's somewhere at 3rd Ave and it was swanky. But as soon as I entered her apartment, I knew something was terribly off. Shit was strewn everywhere. Papers, animal cages that hadn't been cleaned, clothes… I'd never seen a woman's place look so unruly. Immediately my guard was up. The Fisherwoman greeted me with a kiss on the side of the cheek and asked me if I wanted anything to drink. I told her I didn't. A minute later, she asked me again. Again I told her I was fine. Two minutes later, she asked me again. "No, really, I'm good", I told her.

I sat down while she made a cocktail and was checking out one of her many books on her dining room table when she suddenly spurted out, "ME ME ME ME ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!" Oh shit, I thought to myself. What have I gotten myself into?!

She sat down and started telling me about her business, which is running the most exclusive Jewish matchmaking service in the city, for which she charges several, sometimes tens of thousands of dollars for. Hmm, I think to myself, and she's single. I wonder why…

As I mused in that thought she divulged that she sometimes records her dates since she's writing a book on the topic.

“Oh really? Are you taping us right now?”

She said that she wasn't and only tapes dates if she gets permission. "Would you like to hear some material?" she asked. "Sure" I replied.

She whipped out a little tape recorder and pressed play. While I listened to what must have amounted to the most contrived date of all time anywhere she suddenly blurted out, "Do you know what really turns me on?”

"No"...I replied, very curious to see where this was going.

"Dressing up" she said. "Let me show you".

So I waited at the table for a few minutes while The Fisherwoman changed. I couldn't believe it…she came out in a full on sexy French maid outfit and sat on my lap. Hey, I was finally starting to have a good time. She may have been crazy, but this was going to be a good ride! Next came the cop out fit, and she wanted to handcuff me. I refused playfully yet politely. Then came the cheerleader... Aw yeah, this WAS getting good!

While she performed a few cheerleader maneuvers for me, she again blurted out, "Do you know what also turns me on?” On my heels, I couldn't guess.

"Porn,.." as she dashed for the DVD player and stuck one in. "Come here, I think you're cute!”

There comes a point, on any date in which porn is used as a seduction tool, where every guy relinquishes brain power to his second head, and I’d been playing pretty hard to get up until that point. So, it was at this point that I obliged her and sat down on the couch next to her. We began to make out and things were getting pretty heated when, as was her style, she stopped suddenly.

She looked at me earnestly and, in a very serious tone said, "I really want to get married and have children.”

My second head's chokehold on my normal brain was immediately broken. I looked at the clock and said, "Hey it's getting late, I really need to get going.”

I made a beeline to the door. Only to hear her scream…

"My daddy's really wealthy, HE'LL BUY YOU THE RING! YOU'LL SEE YOU'LL BE HAPPY!”

…just before the door slammed.

- Johnny Pesce