Top 10 Reasons NOT to be a Match-Maker for your Friends...

10. Your intention (to simply get him and her some action while they continue their search for “the one”) backfires (and leads to a tumultuous on-again, off-again relationship).

9. In its off-again phase, he and she both call you, repeatedly, and make it abundantly clear how profoundly wrong you were to have EVER thought that they would be compatible. In any way. Well, except for the sex way. In which they are pretty compatible indeed…

8. Ok. So it’s on-again. Again. All things are whiskers on kittens and brown paper packages tied up with string and suddenly the hills are alive with the sound of music. And you? Your cell phone has suddenly ceased to ring. No phone calls from either him nor her…not even for a thank you. Thank you SO much for setting us up, he/she is so wonderful. Nope. None of that.

7. Oh no! Another bump in the road. The phone starts ringing again. They both expect you to fix things that are not working and stay out of the things that are. Sometimes all in the same day.

6. Uh oh. This is a particularly big bump. It’s getting a little ugly. And just when you think you might just politely duck out of the room and leave them to their own dysfunctional devices…you’re asked to stay. Stay! No, really...STAY!! And take sides. Clearly you’re on his side, he says. Um, no, you’re on her side, she says.

5. How ‘bout if you just stand right here in the middle, place your fingers snugly into your ears and sing loudly? When the dog bites...when the bee stings... Hmm…seems to be working. Wait. Did you just hear her accuse you of secretly having an agenda to steal her boyfriend? And to please stay away from said boyfriend? The boyfriend that YOU set her up with?? Oh, the lunacy!

4. Ok so…it’s officially off-again. Your phone rings off the hook. He really enjoys her, he says, but he just doesn’t want to do the whole marriage thing again. She’s got an agenda: get married, make babies, perhaps several, then maybe an apple strudel or two. Is that too much to ask? (Oh, and she’s really, really sorry about that silly little accusation in number 5 by the way). Apparently, yes, it IS too much to ask. He swears to you, by phone and online instant message, that he is simply NOT ready to commit to another marriage right now…

3. They’re engaged!?!?! [Cue the hills are alive with the sound of music.] [Again.]

2. It’s all warm woolen mittens and whiskers on kittens again. Save the date cards go out. Oh the joy! she thinks! Babies and apple strudel coming right up! Wait…what’s this right here? Hmmm…months worth of online instant messages stored in my fiance’s password unprotected email account between him and…and…and YOU! (Totally taken out of context and completely misconstrued, by the way.)

1. It’s officially off again. You stand to lose two great friends…both of whom are currently in therapy for what occurred in 2 – 10. You scuttle off thinking you might need a little therapy yourself…

-Innigma & La Cubana Gringa